Daniel Montoya spent the season sending trades nobody wanted and then dropped 132.64 on Mero in the final to take his second ring, eleven years after the first. At the other end, an 8-6 team finished last: Omeed and Drew lost to Jacob by 7.68 in week 17 and inherited the sacko while holding the lowest points against in the league. Luke went 3-11, set a perfect lineup in the final week, and escaped last place anyway. And Eric scored the third most points per week in this league and won four games, which the schedule swap explains better than anything he did.
1
Omarion, Where Art Thou?
9-5 · Mero Ouna
### 1. Omarion, Where Art Thou? (9-5) - Mero
Mero named the team after Omarion Hampton and then watched Hampton be one of two starters who cleared projection in the title game. The other was the Steelers defense, at 11.0. Jalen Hurts, the round-four pick who returned 299.06 points and the best draft selection on this roster, picked the biggest game of the year to score 8.9 against an 18.86 projection. DeVonta Smith managed 3.5, Jakobi Meyers 4.9, De'Von Achane 12.7 on a 20.3 projection, and Jake Tonges sat on the bench with 15.5, the highest-scoring player Mero kept out of a lineup that week. Final score 87.00 to 132.64, a 45.64-point loss with the league's best point total behind him. 1680.16 points for, first in the league. A .649 all-play mark, first in the league. 1749.36 points from drafted players, first in the league, because Mero drafts solid teams and then treats the start/sit screen as a suggestion: week 7 he ran J.K. Dobbins for 8.5 and benched DeVonta Smith's 28.8, and across the season a hindsight-perfect lineup would have captured another 243.2 points, eleventh of twelve. Brandon Aiyuk cost him a tenth-round pick and returned 0.0. Next year, pour the Guinness after the lineup is locked, not during.
2
The Pitts of Hell
9-5 · Daniel Montoya
### 2. The Pitts of Hell (9-5) - Daniel
Daniel spent a fourteenth-round pick on Drake Maye because Maye plays for the Patriots, and that is how the 2025 title got decided. Maye returned 335.72 points, the best pick on the roster by a distance, and posted 32.44 in the final while Bijan Robinson went for 37.4 against a 19.15 projection. Kyle Pitts Sr. contributed 2.6, the most Pitts of Hell thing that has ever happened, and it did not matter: 132.64 to 87.00, a 45.64-point win over Mero. He managed it with 82.31% lineup efficiency, eleventh in the league for the week when measured against the best lineup visible after the fact, with Zach Charbonnet's 25.2 rotting on the bench. Zero one-score games all season. Three weeks as the league's top scorer. The 182.3 he hung in week 15 is the highest score anybody posted this year, and his worst start/sit of the season came in that same week, Trevor Lawrence's 44.3 benched behind Maye's 20.5. 1585.16 points from acquired players, third in the league, so the waiver wire did as much work as the offers he kept firing at Mike and the Durlofskys. Second ring, eleven years after 2014. Next year, nothing changes: three rookies, two Patriots, one trade offer insulting enough to screenshot, nine wins.
3
6-2
9-5 · andrew cardozo
### 3. 6-2 (9-5) - Andrew
Push Andrew all-in and he folds, and the postseason pushed. He set lineups better than anyone in this league all year, 92.80% against the hindsight-best lineup, and left 151.74 points uncaptured across the season, less than any other manager. His median week was 126.28, first in the league. Then Daniel ended him in week 16, and the last game of his season was a 78.20, his lowest score of the entire year, in a 39.78-point loss to Vince. Josh Jacobs scored 0.8 against a 13.7 projection. The Cowboys defense gave him 2.0. Caleb Williams, a ninth-round pick worth 300.60 on the season, was the one starter who beat his number. The week before that, he benched Kenneth Walker III's 23.9 to start TreVeyon Henderson for 1.7, a rough way to hand over a title. Andrew drafts the same players every August and the same season keeps arriving: 9-5, 1644.84 points, third in the league, and the 2024 and 2015 rings sitting there with no company. Next year he should try treating a playoff game like a week-four game, since 9-5 is what he produces when the stakes are somebody else's.
4
Screw everything
8-6 · Vincent Gandolfo
### 4. Screw everything (8-6) - Vince
Screw everything is the right name for the manager who wasted more points than anyone in the league. 259.38 points a hindsight-perfect lineup would have captured, twelfth of twelve. An 88.41% season efficiency, twelfth of twelve. Week 11 he started Justin Herbert for 3.34 with Dak Prescott's 24.32 sitting behind him; week 17 he beat Andrew 117.98 to 78.20 while Dak again went unused, this time for 22.68. Vince drafts rosters with no depth and then works the wire raw trying to build one, 54 transactions, third in the league, and his quarterback slot graded 2.57 below league average anyway. Christian McCaffrey, first pick of the second round, returned 356.90 and carried the operation. Malik Nabers, four picks later, gave him 48.1, which is outcome rather than judgement. Colston Loveland's 18.4 on a 7.84 projection was the week-17 bonus. Mero ended his season in week 16. His rival list reads Daniel, Omeed and Drew: one of them won the title, the other two took last place, so call the year a wash. Next year, draft a bench, or at minimum glance at it on Sunday morning before the Arnold Palmer goes down.
5
Cooking Kalua 4 Puka
8-6 · Max McBride
### 5. Cooking Kalua 4 Puka (8-6) - Max
Seventy-seven transactions. Most in the league by a mile, and Max's team dragged two injured starters into the final week anyway, which is the whole Max experience in one line. The roster he kept churning came good in week 17: Chase Brown 27.6, Luther Burden III 23.8 against a 9.84 projection, 103.28 to 92.58 over Jason. Go big or go home produced the league's highest ceiling at 149.744 and a 76.56 in his worst week, both of which sound like him. Puka Nacua, fourth pick of round one, returned 289.50 and earned himself a team name. Evan Engram cost a sixth-rounder and returned 16.2. The signature moment came in week 15, when Daniel ended his season and Max started Isaiah Likely for 0.0 with Darren Waller's 22.1 on the bench; two weeks later he started Waller and collected 0.5, so the lesson landed. Sixth seed, gone in the first round, 2018 ring gathering dust. Next year, fewer moves and more attention. He swung the bat 77 times and let the tight end slot decide two of his games.
6
Man in JahMyrror
8-6 · Jason Ho
### 6. Man in JahMyrror (8-6) - Jason
Jason named the team Man in JahMyrror and Jahmyr Gibbs signed off with 5.4 against an 18.46 projection, which is his season compressed into one stat line. Justin Jefferson gave him 5.0. Jaylen Waddle gave him 0.7. Chris Godwin's 20.3 and Josh Allen's 23.18 could not cover it, and Max sent him home 103.28 to 92.58. Allen, taken fifth in round four, returned 364.62 points, more than any drafted player on any roster in this league, and Jason converted that into 8-6 and a fifth seed. He played four one-score games, most in the league, and his total margin of victory for the entire season was 74.46, eleventh. Twenty-one transactions and 465.0 points from acquired players, dead last, because he drafted a team in August and then went to the golf course to run Mario Kart brackets. Austin Ekeler in round thirteen returned 10.6. Week 4 he started Ricky Pearsall for 6.6 with Kenneth Gainwell's 28.4 benched. Vince finished him off in week 15. Still no title on the résumé. Next year, open the waiver page. Twice a month would double his season output.
7
nix six
6-8 · Jacob Rudger
### 7. nix six (6-8) - Jacob
Jacob YOLOs the draft, and the YOLO produced the steadiest scoring team in the league: a 16.35 standard deviation, lowest of the twelve, a 89.08 in his worst week, and 6-8 to show for all that stability. He also won the one game he needed. Week 17, sacko ladder, 123.18 to 115.50 over the Snakes, which made him safe and left Omeed and Drew holding the bag. Bo Nix put up 19.48 in the game that finally justified the team name, Stefon Diggs 19.1, Parker Washington 15.0 off an 8.14 projection, and Jacob ran it at 93.94% efficiency, third best in the league that week against the hindsight-best lineup. Jonathan Taylor, second pick of round three, returned 334.40. Elijah Arroyo in round eight returned 1.2. Week 3 he started Diggs for 3.8 and benched Hunter Henry's 25.0, back when the vibes were still calibrating. Tyler Shough and his 21.92 spent the last week on the bench and no harm came of it. With sackos in 2022 and 2023 already on his record, dodging this one counts as a career year. Next year, stop making trades that improve the other roster and the 6-8 turns into 9-5.
8
Bam Knight Rises
4-10 · Eric Smith
### 8. Bam Knight Rises (4-10) - Eric
Eric averaged 118.94 a week, third in the league, never once finished a week as the bottom scorer, never dipped below 96.28 in any week of the season, and went 4-10. Hand him the Snakes' fourteen games instead of his own and the record reads 12-2. The schedule swap names him and nobody else in this league, and the answer is twelve wins and two losses off the same scores in a different order. His 1666.42 points against and his league-worst luck delta tell the same story from two directions. Week 13 he lost to Luke by 0.62, the closest game anyone played this year, which is the sort of thing that lands on a man whose players get hurt on a published schedule. Week 17 he lost to Bryan 99.66 to 112.32 while the 49ers defense scored him negative four and Saquon Barkley gave him 6.8 on a 16.6 projection. Patrick Mahomes in round six returned 285.18; James Conner, one pick earlier in that same round, returned 29.3. Week 14 he started Chris Olave for 4.5 over Tony Pollard's 28.1. Eighteen transactions, fewest in the league. He took the sacko bye and got safe in week 16. Next year, touch the roster more. The scoring is already there, and the 2017 ring proves he knows what to do with a schedule that behaves.
9
Ja'Marr Mitzvah
7-7 · Mike Durlofsky
### 9. Ja'Marr Mitzvah (7-7) - Michael
Mickle's best draft pick was the Seahawks defense, taken eighth in round fifteen, 173.0 points. His worst was Kaleb Johnson in round ten, who returned negative 0.1, a figure that takes commitment. Somewhere between those two poles he assembled the strongest roster in the league, 126.81, first of twelve, on the smallest FAAB spend in the league at 74.0, and finished 7-7 complaining about all of it. Week 17: 132.26 to 97.84 over Luke, Ja'Marr Chase 21.5, D'Andre Swift 20.9, Michael Wilson 17.4, and the worst start/sit call of his entire season, Rhamondre Stevenson's 24.7 on the bench behind Michael Pittman Jr.'s 2.6. Saving the dumbest lineup decision of your year for the last week of your year and winning by 34.42 anyway is a flex. 1636.58 of his points came from players he acquired, second in the league, against 972.9 from his own draft class, tenth, so the offers he spent all season rejecting from Drew and Daniel were not the only phone calls he took. He got safe in the first round of the sacko ladder in week 15 and then watched his own brother take last place. Next year, spend the budget. Nobody hands out a prize for leftover FAAB.
10
Brown Rice
5-9 · Bryan Ding
### 10. Brown Rice (5-9) - Bryan
The commissioner polls this league on everything except his own week 1 lineup, where he started Dak Prescott for 7.82 and benched Justin Fields' 29.52. Dak, a fourteenth-round pick, went on to return 313.08 points, the kind of hit that headlines a good season and instead headlined a 5-9 one. Bryan closes with 1894.42 points from acquired players, first in the league, against 753.80 from his own draft class, eleventh, a current-roster snapshot he will want to litigate in the group chat at length. Tyreek Hill, seventh pick of round three, returned 43.0, outcome and not judgement. Zero one-score games and 231.60 points of cumulative margin in his losses, eleventh, so the schedule beat him with a bat rather than teasing him. Week 17 he closed out with Brock Purdy at 36.92 against a 19.54 projection, a 96.45% lineup, second best in the league that week measured after the fact, and a 112.32 to 99.66 win over Eric. He made himself safe in the sacko ladder in week 15 by beating the Snakes. Next year, close a trade. He will workshop one for three weeks and never hit send, and a 2013 champion should remember what a signed deal feels like.
11
The Snakes
8-6 · Drew Durlofsky
### 11. The Snakes (8-6) - Omeed & Drew
An 8-6 team finished last. Omeed and Drew held the lowest points against in the league at 1439.96 and the best luck delta in the league at plus 0.182, and converted a winning record into the sacko, which takes a gift. Week 17, Derrick Henry went for 45.6 against a 12.66 projection, the biggest starter blowup anywhere that week, and they lost by 7.68 to Jacob because Marvin Harrison Jr. scored 0.0, Drake London 0.9 and Rashid Shaheed 1.3. The week before, they started Jaxson Dart for 0.02 with Joe Burrow's 28.96 on the bench, a 28.94-point differential and the worst single start/sit call any manager in this league made all season. They were the bottom scorer in four separate weeks, owned the lowest score of the year at 55.04 in week 7, and also delivered the season's biggest beating, 69.64 over Luke in week 8. 1425.56 points for, eleventh. 677.60 from drafted players, last. Sixty-four transactions, second in the league, all of them Drew's work and all of them credited to Omeed. Omeed talks when he wins and goes quiet when he loses, so the group chat will be peaceful. Drew now has the 2025 sacko framed next to the 2022 title. Next year, let the guy doing the work set the lineup.
12
St. Patrick the Snake Banisher
3-11 · Luke Branscum
### 12. St. Patrick the Snake Banisher (3-11) - Luke
The name nobody in this league has ever decoded came true in week 16, when Luke banished the Snakes and a 3-11 team dodged last place. The rest of it was a mugging. 1348.36 points, last. A 93.76 average, last. A 136.92 as his best week of the year, the lowest high score in the league. 357.50 points of cumulative margin in his losses, worst in the league by a distance, with a nine-game losing streak buried inside it. His three wins arrived by a combined 15.26 points, one of them that 0.62 escape against Eric in week 13, the closest game of the season. He also owns the most wins over top-three teams in the league with two, which suggests his roster performs when he is looking away. He drafted Baker Mayfield eighth in round one for 258.70 and the 49ers defense tenth in that same round for 42.0. Week 5 he started Chuba Hubbard for 0.0 with Kareem Hunt's 18.2 benched. Week 17 he set a flawless lineup, 100% efficiency, first in the league, and lost to Michael by 34.42. Next year, sit through the whole draft. A first-round defense is what happens when a man has dinner reservations.
Awards
Champion: Daniel, on the back of a fourteenth-round Patriots quarterback. He will remind you of this in July.
Sacko: Omeed and Drew, 8-6, fewest points allowed in the league, last place. A monument to something.
Highest score: The Pitts of Hell, 182.3 in week 15. The champion also had the best single week. Fine.
Lowest score: The Snakes, 55.04 in week 7, a total that most teams reach by the Sunday afternoon window.
Biggest blowout: The Snakes over St. Patrick the Snake Banisher by 69.64 in week 8, the only week Omeed felt like a genius.
Closest margin: Luke over Eric by 0.62 in week 13, one of Eric's four wins going the other way for the price of a single Chris Boswell extra point.
Unluckiest: Eric, who plays the Snakes' fourteen games and finishes 12-2 instead of 4-10. Twelve wins, sitting in a drawer, unopened.