El Tri Fantasy Football, Week 1 Power Rankings

Mickle joined this league to complain about his roster, and week 1 confiscated the material. Caleb Williams turned a 16.39 projection into 37.26. D'Andre Swift went for 31.9 out of the flex. The Steelers defense added 19. Total damage: 164.46, the highest score anyone posted, dropped on Jacob's four tet by 75.36, the widest margin of the week. His lineup efficiency came in at 99.82 percent measured against the best lineup visible in hindsight, meaning a perfect week would have added 0.30 points. Three tenths of a point. He made zero transactions, touched nothing, and beat the field by two touchdowns and change. The one blemish: Cameron Dicker kicked 2.0 against a 10.2 projection, and Mickle will be in the group chat about it by Thursday, describing it as a season-ending betrayal, same as he describes a stubbed toe. Thirty-seven dollars of his draft money sits on the bench in the lineup he would roll out today, and three of his starters carry injury tags into week 2, so the complaining pipeline remains full. Week 2 brings Daniel and Wideout Roulette, who took the one meeting these two have had, back in 2025, 1-0. Beat your brother's rival, kid, then go ask Drew whether 164.46 counts for anything in September.

Daniel drafts rookies and Patriots the way other people collect stamps, so of course he started Drake Maye for 9.82 while Brock Purdy scored 21.1 in a folding chair on his bench. That is the worst start/sit call on his ledger so far, 11.28 points thrown in a hole, and it cost him nothing, because he won by 6.16 anyway. Jalen Coker took a 7.37 projection and returned 29.8. Kenneth Walker III went 32.6 from the flex. Evan McPherson kicked 19, which is more than Maye managed at quarterback. The team name is Wideout Roulette and the man spun black on a Parker Washington 16.8 too. A perfect hindsight lineup adds 15.08 points to his total, so there is room to be worse at this and still 1-0. His rank has swung more than anybody's in the league, tied for the most movement at 8.0, which tracks for a manager whose process is vibes and Foxborough loyalty. Only $13 of drafted money sits outside his current starting lineup, the tidiest roster in the league on that count. Week 2 he gets Michael and Prime Sutton, the 164.46 guy, a rivalry game and a rematch of the single meeting on record from 2025, which Daniel won. Expect a trade offer for Caleb Williams involving two kickers and a handshake.

Drew does the roster work, Omeed does the press conference, and after a 132.92 to 76.40 demolition of Bryan we will be hearing from the press conference for six days. Ashton Jeanty went 29.7, Justin Jefferson 27.2, Jalen Hurts 24.72, and the margin hit 56.52. The kicking and defense department was a crime scene: Harrison Mevis scored 1.0, the Titans defense scored minus one. Jaxson Dart sat on the bench for 26.6, outscoring Hurts, their biggest bench mistake of the week. Drew also started Rico Dowdle for 3.1 while Matthew Golden went 12.5 in reserve, which Omeed will describe as a bold calculated risk he personally approved. These two finished last in 2025 together, a shared sacko that Omeed has never once mentioned unprompted, on account of talking loud when the score is good and going silent when it is not. A hindsight-perfect lineup adds 11.28 points, and $21 of drafted money sits outside the lineup they would start today. Week 2 is Luke and Pick Nix, a matchup the Snakes lead 8-6 across 2018 through 2025. Luke benched Mahomes last week, so Drew should probably offer him a trade before he figures out how the app works.

Vince named the team after Isaiah Likely and then Isaiah Likely went out and scored 23.8 against a 7.58 projection, which is the most on-brand thing to happen in week 1. Did not matter. He put up 139.96, the third-highest score in the league, and lost by 6.16 to Daniel, a man on his rivals list, giving Vince the worst luck differential of any team through one week. Bijan Robinson went 27.3. Devaughn Vele chipped in 16.4. Puka Nacua managed 9.9 against a 17.38 projection and Joe Burrow came in under his number at 14.16. The man famous for drafting teams with no depth then benched Tyler Shough for 23.2 and Deebo Samuel Sr. for 15.0 while Brian Thomas Jr. started and scored 5.5. The depth exists, Vinny. It is sitting in your garage. A hindsight-perfect lineup adds 18.54 points, ninth in the league, and $23 of drafted money sits outside the lineup he would start today. Week 2 sends him to Jason and Weenie Hut Jr., a series he trails 8-9 across 2013 through 2025, which is a coin flip with thirteen years of grudge attached. Score 139.96 again and he might even win one.

GO MAX goes big or goes home, and week 1 he did both in the same lineup. Josh Allen 35.66, Jahmyr Gibbs 31.1, Javonte Williams 21.7, and then the Texans defense scored minus four and Colston Loveland put up a clean 0.0 at tight end while Dalton Kincaid sat on the bench with 15.5. That is a 15.5-point start/sit whiff, the sort of thing that usually ends a week. Max survived by 0.90 points over Mero, the tightest game in the league, the one-score win that keeps him from having to explain any of it. He has the most one-score games in the league at one, which is a count and not a compliment. A hindsight-perfect lineup adds 34.30 points to his 122.16, eleventh in the league, and his week came in at 78.08 percent of that optimal lineup, tenth. He also spent $9 of FAAB, second-most, presumably chasing whichever handcuff his trainer told him about. Thirty-nine dollars of drafted money sits outside his current starting lineup. Week 2 is Jacob and four tet, a rival he leads 11-7 across 2017 through 2025, and Jacob got beaten by 75.36 last week. Bring the tri tip.

The team is named 1-0 and the team is 1-0, which for a man who folds the second you push him all-in counts as an act of aggression. Derrick Henry carried him, 34.8 against a 15.72 projection, DJ Moore added 18.5, and the 116.44 held up against Luke by 13.8. Jaylen Waddle turned in 0.7 points, a number closer to a golf score, and Michael Pittman Jr. sat with 7.3 behind him. Dozo drafts the same players every season and the roster he still holds has returned 0.5985 points per dollar of everything he spent at auction, tenth-worst by that measure, while his waiver and trade adds have produced 47.88 points, the most in the league. The draft table was not the good part. The scrap heap was. His hindsight-perfect lineup adds 7.5 points, third-tightest, so the lineup management holds up even when the roster does not. Thirty-nine dollars of drafted money sits outside the lineup he would start today. Week 2 is Mero and Don't Look Brock in Anger, a series Andrew trails 10-11 across 2011 through 2025, fifteen seasons of these two trading haymakers and neither one pulling clear. Two rings on his mantle, 2015 and 2024, and a 2026 team held together by a 32-year-old Derrick Henry.

Mero drafts solid teams and then loses by nine tenths of a point to Max, which is the fantasy football equivalent of buying a round and getting elbowed at the bar. The 121.26 he posted would have beaten four other teams in the league last week. Christian Watson went 29.7 against a 9.28 projection, Amon-Ra St. Brown added 23.7, Tyler Loop kicked 14.0. Then Terrance Ferguson started at tight end and scored 0.0, Jadarian Price returned 6.8 on a 13.2 projection, and Malik Willis sat on the bench with 16.7 like a fire extinguisher behind glass. Merwan also started Luther Burden III for 7.0 with Dontayvion Wicks and his 14.3 in reserve, a 7.3-point miss that would have swung the whole thing twice over. The margin was 0.90. Say it out loud a few times, it gets worse. A hindsight-perfect lineup adds 17.44 points, and $34 of drafted money sits outside the lineup he would start today. The model still gives him a 60.58 percent shot at the playoffs, so the season survives. Week 2 is Andrew and 1-0, a rivalry stretching 11-10 in Mero's favor across 2011 through 2025. Pour the Guinness, wait for the head to settle, then start the tight end who scores points.

A 1-0 start and a seven-spot fall, because the rankings looked at 111.06 points and the league's twelfth-ranked haul from drafted players (107.26) and filed the win under rental. Eric is the kind of opponent who congratulates you for the kick that beats him, and this week the good manners got him the biggest luck surplus in the league, a +0.64 win over what his scoring earned. Credit where it belongs: 96.19% hindsight efficiency, second in the league, with 4.4 points available to a perfect lineup. The worst start/sit call of his entire season so far is Samaje Perine (6.5) over Kaelon Black (7.5). A one-point error. That is the summit of his crimes. Lamar Jackson went 24.96, Jaxon Smith-Njigba 22.2, Juwan Johnson 12.9 out of the flex, Brandon Aubrey kicked a single point, and Christian McCaffrey came in five under his projection. The curse has reported for duty on time: two starters carried injury tags Sunday and two more carry them into week 2, which for Eric counts as rude health. By Halloween the bench looks like a waiting room in Truckee. Week 2 sends him to Bryan and Slumdog McMillanaire, a series he trails 8-15 across 2011 through 2025, the most lopsided history anyone brings into this weekend. Bryan scored 76.4 on Sunday. Eric will find a way to make it close.

JHo runs the Mario Kart side competition, which is where his competitive achievements live, because week 1 went like this: Ja'Marr Chase scored 2.2 against a 16.44 projection, A.J. Brown scored 4.1, Marvin Harrison Jr. scored 3.8, and the Chargers defense posted a 0.0 while the Patriots defense sat on his bench with 7.0. Three receivers, ten points between them, and he still lost by 5.86. Trevor Lawrence went 26.1, Jonathan Taylor 23.6, Chuba Hubbard 22.2, and none of it mattered because the wideout room is a blue shell to the back of the kart. His receiving corps grades out worst in the league. He also leads everybody in FAAB spent at $32 and in transactions at three, one week into the season, a man shopping for groceries while his kitchen burns. The number to screenshot: $120 of drafted money sits outside the lineup he would start today, the largest pile in the league by a mile. He paid retail and stocked the bench. The model gives him a 0.30 percent shot at the playoffs. Week 2 is Vince and Dijon Likely on my Glizzy, a series Jason leads 9-8 across 2013 through 2025, and Vince scored 139.96 in a loss last week. Go warm up Rainbow Road.

Nobody has ever understood Luke's team names, and this year he removed the ambiguity by naming it Pick Nix and then starting Bo Nix for 5.44 while Patrick Mahomes sat on his bench with 21.66. A 16.22-point start/sit gap, the worst call in the league, committed in the service of a pun. He lost by 13.8. David Montgomery added 27.4 in reserve as well, which pushed the hindsight-perfect version of his lineup 41.52 points above what he scored, dead last in the league, and left his week at 71.19 percent efficiency against that optimal build, also dead last. Eighty dollars of drafted money sits outside the lineup he would start today, which is what happens when a man finishes the auction early and walks out to beat traffic. The schedule owes him one: swap his single game for the Snakes' and he sits at 1-0 rather than 0-1, the one team in the league the calendar robbed this week. Trey McBride went 20.0, Breece Hall 18.8, Bucky Irving 16.8, so the pieces are there. Week 2 he draws the Snakes themselves, Omeed and Drew, a series he trails 6-8 across 2018 through 2025. The 2023 champion, currently starting Bo Nix on purpose.

Rudge YOLOs the auction every year and every year the bill arrives around Halloween. This time it arrived in week 1. Michael hung 164.46 on him, he answered with 89.1, and the 75.36-point margin stands as the biggest beating of the season so far. De'Von Achane scored 8.6 on a 16.32 projection. Saquon Barkley scored 8.5 on a 16.4 projection. Jordan Addison started and scored 0.0 while Malik Nabers sat on the bench with 9.9, a 9.9-point own goal in a game already lost by five touchdowns. Dallas Goedert's 21.7 was the vibes guy's entire week. His roster strength grades last in the league, $69 of drafted money sits outside his current starting lineup, and the model has him at 70.93 percent to finish eleventh with another 13.96 percent chance of finishing last, a coin flip between embarrassment and the sacko he already owns from 2022 and 2023. Back-to-back last-place finishes and he still drafts like the cap is Monopoly money. Week 2 is Max and the Trailer Park Boys, a rival who leads him 11-7 across 2017 through 2025 and who just won by nine tenths of a point without a functioning tight end. Annie, hide the laptop on Sunday morning.

The commissioner will run a poll about anything. Trade deadline dates, roster limits, whether the sacko punishment should involve a tattoo. Here is one he can run on himself: was it Matthew Stafford scoring 4.1 against a 17.5 projection, or Kyle Pitts Sr. posting a 0.0 at tight end, or MarShawn Lloyd's 3.7, that made 76.4 the lowest score in the league last week? Dinger benched Jayden Daniels and his 17.66 to start Stafford, a 13.56-point swing, and the quarterback slot grades out as the worst position on any roster in the league at 14.76 points below the positional average. He lost to the Snakes by 56.52. Nico Collins went 17.7 and the Seahawks defense chipped in 14.0, and that was the party. The model gives him an 84.88 percent chance of finishing last, which is the highest figure attached to any team in this document, and he was the bottom scorer in week 1. He is the nicest guy here, he will talk trade with you for nine days and close nothing, and he drafts boring players with a boring plan. Week 2 is Eric and Fall of the House of York, a matchup Bryan owns 15-8 across 2011 through 2025. One week in and his best asset is a fifteen-year grudge.